Hail to the Chief…of Liet Wan

Aggrey was always the biggest, gangliest, buffooniest boy in his class from Kindergarten One up to his university Pathology class. He was discontinued before we could ever find out if he was the biggest at graduation. You see, before the man succumbed to Aachwaka, his star was the shiniest, sharpest tool in the Okal shed.

He had to start selling formalin- they stuff they use to preserve dead bodies at the Mortuary, to make a quick enough buck to pay the Mama Pii Pima whose stall he really loved visiting when he wasn’t out in the field, cutting up cadavers for “research”. Aggrey still didn’t have any qualifications to be operating. He was in essence operating without a license. What his friend Benedict Ojwang, BenedictO to his friends and enemies, would do, is find the unclaimed bodies from the nation’s largest referral hospital- KiBeltBelt and pass them over to A.O for his “life saving” experiments.

The thing is, Aggrey had always been a cruel little boy. The kid who dipped locusts in the pot of porridge while at the Kendo in his mother’s kitchen, back in the village of Kadumu. Chwenye, the village tree climber had fallen to his paralysis from a mango tree when Aggrey was 12 years old and he had been on the front line of the crowd. Not to offer his assistance, but observe the grotesque and macabre ways his bones had torn through his skin and left his flesh exposed. Chwenye was a mangled mess of skin, bone, flesh and blood, and Aggrey shivered a little each time he remembered the poor man’s screams.

His brush with the injured in and around his village, inspired him to do well in Biology and make it to the University of Makelele in The Capital. Once he got there, the strong beast of a man was waylaid by the wily charms of the metal mug full of the not so frothy good stuff that turned his worries into dust. Had he ignored the sirenic call of the cup, he would have probably become one of the nation’s premier surgeons.

Instead, A.O took his failure to heart and though it didn’t turn into heart failure, it was the beginning of a series of life failures, that threatened to whittle him down to size. Not that this was possible given his size, stature and demeanour. Aggrey isn’t one to be messed with. He can match you inch for inch (yes) and pound for pound.

So, while wallowing in his misery but finding it hard to ignore his mother’s various missives from Nusia, he decided to visit her and allay her fears of a less than prosperous future for him. Somewhat. That was when he met the fruit of the most delicious and luscious lush tree in all of Nestern.

Romantic Rendezvous: Love made in Liet Wan

Mama Rosie was tired of A.O breathing down her neck at every turn. She quickly latched onto Chris aka Chrisanthus the Math Tutor. Early on in the relationship she thought that he was interested in her next door neighbour but alas, his cock-eyed gaze was firmly fixed upon her ample bosom and voluptuous figure.

You see A.O had airlifted her (OK, “airlifted” is a bit of an exaggeration) from extreme poverty in Budalbhangi back in the Reserve. Back there and then, Mama Rosie went by the name Luscious Ludmilla. Luscious because she was tall and quite fruitful in er, certain bodily areas. Ludmilla because, her father was a Nazi aficianado though her mother had really wanted to five her a nice flowery English name like the madam of the house she cleaned- Lilly, but her husband had had it up to here with the colonialist expression of oppression and decided to pledge his allegiance, stupidly, to the swastika. One wonders if Ludmilla’s father would have been accepted to the Aryan brotherhood. He was as close to blond hair and blue eyes as the Yukon Gold is to Irish potatoes.

A.O brought her to the City of Lights and Green Grass, NailovI. She quickly registered, however, that he wasn’t the man he seemed to be. He’d been discontinued from his Medic course at Makelele Uni and was now living in the small slum adjacent to Le Loi Market. With his etch-a-sketch life and intimidating physical presence, A.O somehow managed to make a living. A living enough for himself. Introduce his lovely Ludmilla into the fray and life did indeed, begin to fray at the edges like a tattered second hand curtain sold by Pauline at her Mama Mboga and general supplies stand on your way to the market proper.

Mama Rosie had learnt to stretch every ill-gotten coin that A.O deemed fit to toss her way every now and then. A.O dealt with the depression in the classic, African Male way- he drank  copious amounts of Achwaka at the local bar, pinched one too many a waitress’ buttock and because he was the biggest ham hock in Liet Wan, got away with the mild sexual harassment that every woman experiences a few times in their life time.

NailovI was a cruel, cruel city and soon enough, A.O and Mama Rosie brought forth Rosie then the hapless twin girls – Nena and Neno, and then a little bratty boy that sent A.O over the moon, aptly named, Bratley. Pretty soon, Mama Rosie had to visit her local chapter of the Muddy Slopes Clinic, an affordable, albeit africa-only version of the infamous Planned Parenthood. Did they even understand Roe V Wade in the boonies of Liet Wan? After the short visit, no more Okalets sprang forth from the loins of the two dimwits in charge of steering that ship.

Merry Mwaka Mpya

Liet Wan was ablaze with hundreds of little lights glowing from every household’s kerosene lamps, and awash with free flowing booze- achwaka as the occupants of that little slum on the edge of the capital, NailovI caroused and revelled together to usher in yet another hapless New Year. Dionysius would have been fatly and proudly rolling around in his grape filled mausoleum.

Beauty observed the serendipitous little scene from her window as she attempted to take a snap with her aging, Momolola LaSr top-of-the-line mobile phone. Danielo, aka BiDii aka Darkness aka Sam Eddy nursed a chipped enamel mug of sweet tea as her ratty, tattered love seat nursed his firm and supple buttocks. The tea was the kind you enjoy in the Reserve. Tea so sweet, it harkens back to days when Diabetes II was wantonly acquired before tense, teenage years could be realized.

Her job at the Posho Mill had meant that there was no Christmas break or respite of any kind from her floured out occupation. So, Beauty had chosen to create a little paradise in her home for her and the love of her life, Darkness. Yes. Love of her life. Shortly after he caught up with her in the Forest of Gong and rescued her from the ginormous grip of A.O.’s hams, Danielo was kind enough to ask her to be his girlfriend. Floored by his attention and affection, Beauty had said Yebo, Yes! to the bugger and thus begun, a fresh new chapter in their lives together.

Over the Christmas holiday, Danielo exhibited each and every one of his aliases perfectly. Who wanted to wake up to the same face everyday? She certainly wasn’t ready to live life with the same guy by her side. So some days, he was Sam Eddy, hustler and death merchant extraordinaire; other days he was her beloved Danielo, BiDii the tout but most days, he was just Darkness, last stronghold of nothingness.

Beauty turned from the soppy scene in front of her, having gathered an altogether blurry image of light vs darkness. Or maybe she really did need to pay a visit to Dr Eyes, the local optician of dubious origins? She sighed and shrugged as she walked over to the love seat that currently housed D’s (another of his erstwhile personas) muscular form and miraculously, squeezed and snuggled herself up to him. This was how they had spent Christmas Eve and Day. Alternating between snuggling together on the love seat and on her limp mattress covered with a few threadbare blankets that Beauty had picked up for a song on market day at Le Loi.

After the holiday tonight, it would be back to the salt mines, or in her case, the flour mines just a stone’s throw away from her house adjacent to Liet Wan. It also meant that Danielo could finally end his free-loading ways. Not that she minded. He was Darkness.


Literally Struck by Love: Love brewed in Liet Wan

And that is how she and Danielo met. He chased her into The Forest of Gong as she hustled to escape A.O’s grasp. Mama Rosie and A.O had left each other or rather, Mama Rosie had picked up her kikapu, firmly tied her lesso under her rapidly descending breasts and walked out of their home in the shanty of Liet Wan. To go and be with Chris the Myopic Con-Man.

Darkness a.k.a Danielo did some odd jobs including touting on the Kiberean Matatus as well lawn mowing and pool cleaning in the Ren. Beauty always did love a good, hard working man. Their meeting at the awfully, lovely party in the Ren was not by chance. You see, Beauty knew he was going to be there because her insipidly stupid friend, Ako had let slip the fact. Not a Freudian one but nonetheless a fortuitous slip.

Beauty was struck by Danielo the first day she ever met him. He was walking with his blind as a bat friend, Chris in the environs of Liet Wan presumably after playing look out for his buddy on his tragically treason-filled tryst with Mama Rosie. BiDii, as he was commonly known, had bumped into her and managed to step on her delicate toes. See, he struck her.

From then on it was love at first sight. Who didn’t love a man who could hurt and enthrall in the same action?

Dia de Muertos: A Liet Wan Special Pt.2

And stick out they did. Until Darkness approached her, Village Beauty aka Cinder Tinder was stuck trying to make sure her mini wasn’t riding up her voluptuous buttocks and stiff, wide hips. When he finally deigned to grace her with his presence, she was absolutely mesmerized by his wide shoulders and boxer’s stance. Like he was getting ready to knock some poor damsel to the floor in a quick, RH- LF- Uppercut combo.

You see Darkness was the kind of guy that you wanted at this party. The muzungus loved him to bits- he was a feast for the eyes. The darkies, loved him for other reasons, to be revealed later.

Plus, he had this cute, little habit of pushing his glasses further up his well chiselled but bulbous nose, just so they could sit- just so. Darkness, whose real name was Sam Eddy, was paying for his polytechnic education by doing odd jobs for the muzungus in Ren.

Village Beauty had seen him around the Posho a few times. Hanging out with Chrisanthus the pseudo-tutor. Since he was easy on the eye, Cinder Tinder let him hang around her like a flame attracted a moth. Delirious Sheba had somehow managed to get herself inside her employer’s house. What she was doing in there, was anybody’s guess, for an extra shilling or two, of course. Darkness was Chrisanthus’ antithesis. Where Chris was myopic, balding, short and easily manipulated, Darkness was tall, striking and as stubborn as an old goat that roamed the Atlactical Mountains.

There was a slight kerfuffle at the entrance to the massive mansion and as Village Beauty squinted (her Cinder Tinder role play didn’t require her to put on her eye glasses), she saw Delirious Sheba being man handled by two Yuppies.

Tender Tinder (the alter ego of the Alter Ego) knocked back her drink and sauntered to the entrance. In her best imitation of an accent, Tinder drawled and growled at the two hulking Yuppies holding her BFF hostage, “Pardon me, but what aaaare you doing?”

One of the Yuppies turned his attention away from Sheba and even beneath the ceremonial White face, Village Beauty knew who she was looking at. A.O Mr Diminishing Returns himself.

Without an extra thought for her friend’s welfare, Tinder turned awkwardly in her clogs and ran.

Dia de Muertos: A Liet Wan Special

She was panting heavily, trying to get away but Darkness would not let her be. Hands snatched at her, tearing her lovely gown to pieces, hands grabbing her, grabbing at her coat, ripping it to pieces. So much so, that she had to stop along the unlit corridor and have a conversation with Darkness, the cute and well-built nerd she had met at Donald’s house.

Ako had invited her for one of those posh Halloween do’s on the other side of the Posho Mill. Ako was a maid in one of those muzungu owned homes in Ren. You know the type, where the horses bedded down for the night on a dreamy cloud of hay and the servants ate dry Ugali when they felt a little bit peckish. So apparently, Ako’s boss was throwing a Halloween shindig for all his Happy Valley cronies and for a bit of added flavour, he had asked his servant to invite her buddies from the Kijiji of Liet Wan.

Ako was her long time frenemy but enmity notwithstanding, Ako needed her there for this party just so she could show the world how chickens and eagles can soar together. Once she received the invite, Village Beauty racked her brains on the best costume. She thought about it all, from Snow White, to Elsa, to Cinderella. In the end, she decided she wanted to go as Cinder Tinder- the princess who set her Charming’s heart on fire. Literally. This was a macabre choice but given the Dia de Muertos pictures she had seen in an old copy of Veuve, it was appropos.

So on All Hallow’s Eve, (these muzungus were posh, she referred to the days of the week by their regular names and these yuppies were so ahead of the curve, “Saturday” was beyond them), she accompanied Ako to 13 Daredevil Rd in the leafy, prime plots of Ren. Dressed exponentially to the nines, Cinder Tinder and Ako reincarnated as Delirious Sheba arrived at the venue and proceeded to stick out like sore pinky toes.



Calling all Bibliophiles

If you love books and all things librarian (please pun fully intended), then you’ve heard about @blueeyedbiblio on Instagram. If you haven’t, then maybe you don’t love books as much or even better, you don’t love the internet as much, hence you’re not always on it to find out stuff (5 mics for you homie).

Look at that shelf. Now go pick up a book Image from Huffington Post Teen

So the account of interest is run by 18 year old Emily and boy does she have a great way to make people fall in love with books. Her feed curates the books she’s currently reading with lovely pictures. She comes across as honest and really into books. In an age where electronic readers are wiping the floor with hard copy books, Emily’s Instagram is a nice relief from all the hardware and a kind reminder that books are all we need. We find our closest friends in some of the literature we read.

Please be sure to check out and follow her on Instagram and also read longer reviews on her blog- Blue Eyed Biblio.